Some Cupid Kills: Apotheosis of Cats

The Mayor had an engagement with the year 1557, and guess who she left the keys to the kingdom with? That's right. But it must be noted that few would be willing to spend quality time with her demanding and eccentric prodigy, Callie Sue (featured below). But I happen to appreciate Callie Sue's precocious nature as I am convinced she displays repressed lesbian tendencies. Just look at that cute dot on her nose. That mole makes Callie Sue the Marilyn Monroe of felines.

Of course the Mayor needed someone to feed and entertain Callie Sue. The thing is, Callie Sue is a constant nervous wreck with severe separation anxiety to boot. In fact, the Mayor was recently plagued with a suspiciously sinister omen--a wounded crow that made her windowsill its home. She even had to call the Animal Protection Agency to eradicate this eerie force of darkness. The entire time the crow was stalking the Mayor, Callie Sue, a domesticated predator (in theory), was of absolutely no help. Her nerves were so frayed she vomited twice as much as her food intake!

Now that you have been introduced to Callie Sue, I would like to take the opportunity to intersperse some little-known facts about calico cats:
1. The state cat of Maryland is the calico cat. Callie Sue! You're an icon. If you visit Maryland they'll give you a ticker-tape parade and a hero's welcome. I bet they'd even let you ride in the back of a fire-engine.

2. Ex-Attorney General John Ashcroft is said to believe calico cats--not traditionally beleaguered black cats--are signs of the devil. On 11-21-01 Democratic Party treasurer and best-selling financial author Andrew Tobias published an article on his website about Ashcroft's reluctance to enter the American Embassy in the Hague once he noticed cats in the area. He allegedly had his staff inquire about any calico cats in the vicinity. A week after writing the article, Tobias explained that his source was a credible Ashcroft staff member, but that--of course--it could have been a myth. Yeah. Nothing a little arm twisting can't take care of.

3. It is a fact of genetics that male calico cats are so rare you will probably never meet one in your lifetime. Almost all calicos are female. Think about it...how many male calico cats are you acquainted with?

Now that you know the secrets of the calico cat, I will disclose Callie Sue's favorite secrets about humans:
1. The French Impressionists of Monmarte famously loved cats. The cabaret artistique, Le Chat Noir, opened in 1881. Callie Sue's favorite of the Impressionists in Paris was--no, not Toulouse-Latrec--STEINLEN! This should not surprise, since Steinlen made the most of cats. I think his most recognizable cat-piece is the Tournee du Chat Noir, and then there is Gaudeamus (Be Joyful), Callie Sue's personal favorite is the magnificent, Apotheosis of Cats. With Callie Sue's encouragement, the Mayor is in the process of securing this magnificent eye-feast for her west wing. However, there are still some trivial details to iron out with the Musee d'art moderne (which I am unauthorized to disclose).

2. When the Mayor isn't looking, Callie Sue likes to sneak into her time machine and enjoy the luxury of visiting her favorite era. You guessed it--Ancient Egypt. Callie Sue loves that the Ancient Egyptians revered cats as sacred beasts, worthy of worship. The Egyptians were the first to domesticate cats. They recognized cats as the perfect killing machine, and even took them hunting.

3. Callie Sue, who loves to read, is particularly fond of authors who write about cats. For instance, e.e. cummings wrote "a cat is a cat is a cat." TS Elliot wrote Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, which would later become the musical, Cats. In Christopher Smart's Jubilate Agno, you will notice that Fragment B, lines 695-768 are all about Smart's suave cat Jeoffry. In Ode on the Death of a Favorite Cat, Thomas Gray laments the loss of his "pensive Selima." While William Blake famously mused on The Tyger's "fearful symmetry", Edward Gorey obsessed over cats (both visually and in the written form). Ernest Hemingway loved cats, and preferred to keep cats with six toes around. These cats are called, polydactyls, or "Hemingway Cats." Rita Mae Brown has written an entire mystery series featuring her cat, Sneaky Pie Brown. Watch this interview with Brown about her latest book, Sour Puss. Get it. Puss. Speaking of Puss, what about Charles Perrault's The Master Cat, popularly known as Puss in Boots. This is what Doré thought Puss in Boots looked like. Edward Lear wrote The Owl and the Pussycat, and Rudyard Kipling wrote The Cat that Walked by Himself. In The Diary of Anne Frank, Peter brought along his pet cat, Mouschi. E.B. White's Stuart Little has a famous arch nemesis, Snowball the cat...

Here is an index of famous cats in history and pop-culture, and if you want to read about famous peoples' cats, go here. (Even Koko the signing gorilla has a pet cat.)