Below on the right you see Petal Stool, the proud bride-to-be. Used in a sentence:
Your identity can put you on a petal stool, or it can destroy you.
Pictured with the Petal Stool is Gnat-Fly, the Maid of Honor. About a week before the ceremony, we all went out with the Petal Stool (and additional characters) to celebrate. When these photos were taken it was still early in the evening; it did not take long for debauchery to unfold. For this post I will have to take special precautions to ensure that I blog responsibly. Despite the penis-shaped straw, this picture is a harmless start...
Things started out a bit slow, as characters converged on the designated party spot--Deep Creek Lake, Maryland. In the photo below you see Scornful Val, Gnat-Fly, and the Petal Stool chatting over fruity iced beverages slurped through penis shaped straws. Mardi Gras beads peppered with tiny plastic penises adorn their necks. Of course, I refused a penis shaped straw and necklace. What self-respecting dyke would slurp a fruity iced beverage? What self-respecting dyke would wrap her lips around a penis shaped straw? What self respecting dyke would wrap a penis around her neck like a holiday wreath? Not this dyke! Had I been presented with a dildo scepter--on the other hand--I could be persuaded to negotiate the conditions. You see--in combination--those three factors (fruity drinks, penis straws, and penis accessories) represent the good-girls-gone-bad trifecta. Those factors could magnetize every hairy backed man in the house. It is a well-known fact that hairy backed men gravitate to frivolities such as penis straws, ornamental penises, and blurry-eyed women who are catatonic and deemed legally blind as a result of consuming too many fruity beverages. Below you will note three perfect candidates for the aforementioned scenario... 
In the event you are wondering why the word Scornful precedes Val's name, see the below picture.
As usual, the Pistol Grip Pump scans the crowd for an ass to kick. She appears to have fixed her gaze on a scrotum to rip from the flesh with her sharpened teeth...
After a couple of hours outside, we decided to go inside (where there was a meteor shower) and get a bite to eat. Unfortunately, the penis straws came along. 
The Get 'Cha Some Ferry was liberal with her kisses. Beneath that terse mask of amiability, the Pistol Grip Pump is seething with disgust and repulsion. Sadly, these two are the Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton of the Appalachians. Every day is the Simple Life for them. You can guess which is Paris and which is Nicole. The Pistol Grip Pump is leery for she knows that when the Get 'Cha Some Ferry indulges in spirits she inevitably begins spitting like a cobra and picks a fight--hiding and giggling--behind the Pistol Grip Pump's fearless, juggernaut strength. 
After eating, we went back outside to meet the rest of the party.
It was there that we encountered a beastly character with a twinkle on the lens of his glasses. As evidenced by his magnificent, flowing mane, he is the Lion of Deep Creek Lake...
He was wearing a t-shirt bearing the phrase, Who Flung Poo? The shirt depicted a cartoon monkey tossing fecal matter. Who would wear a shirt like that out to mingle? Really. What went through that guy's head when he was trolling through his closet? Did he say, "This shirt never fails to get me a hot piece of ass. The last time I wore it I picked up Britney Spears in Kenner. Or was it Metairie?"
After concessions and debate, we convinced him to trade this amazing shirt in exchange for the Petal Stool's autograph on his puffy, pink chest. Usually, I doubt he would have agreed to such an uneven trade, but there is a logical explanation for this phenomenon and others of its kind. To elaborate, you may have noticed that there is an unspoken law dictating birthdays equal free drinks and food in the restaurant sector. For instance, if you tell a bartender that it's your birthday it is not unlikely he or she will give you a drink on the house. Similarly, the wedding excuse works equally well. However, in contrast to the seemingly congratulatory free perishables and beverages resulting from birthdays, similar gifts before an impending wedding are the result of sympathy and pity. 
Just look at this proud prize! Later, the Petal Stool confirmed the suspicion that the Who Flung Poo? shirt was well worth the effort of sobering up long enough to sign an autograph.
Emboldened by her conquest, the Petal Stool did the unthinkable; pole dancing in the lap of Victory, she celebrated her achievement by demanding that the Lion of Deep Creek Lake take a photograph of her entourage. One would think this gesture might add insult to injury, but the Lion of Deep Creek Lake was pleased with the prospects of turning his aesthetic eye to the camera lens. You will notice that the Pistol Grip Pump is flashing a Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! gang symbol; the universal sign for vagina, a "V," made with the pointer and index fingers. 
A few stragglers remained for one last photo-op before the night took a David Lynchian turn into the bizzare. Incase you are wondering, that is--indeed--Anna Nicole Smith directly above me.
Another great shot of the penis straw. The Petal Stool is being groomed as a fluffer incase her elementary school teaching career turns out to have been a catastrophical choice of occupation. 
It was at this time that the Get 'Cha Some Ferry proceeded to commence smacking asses in a confrontational manner. Below she is poised to strike with a cobra-like flick of the wrist; take note of her open palm and pursed lips. Observe the erect penis straw protruding from her frosty beverage. Her shirt reads, I Y My Rabbit. Several minutes after this photograph, her ass-smacking shamelessly initiated a fight. She promptly sought defense behind the skirts of her thuggish henchwoman, the Pistol Grip Pump. The Pistol Grip Pump shows no mercy. 
Despite her cherry-red palm and devious expression, the Get 'Cha Some Ferry denied having smacked a single ass. Her t-shirt prominently advertises one of the most popular vibrators of the new millennium. The expression on her face is one of fiery menace. Woe to the unsuspecting ass in the path of that slap-happy hand.
Below, Drunk Cousin Megan effortlessly demonstrates the best method for consuming Bud Light. I've never understood the charm of drinking beer through a straw. Usually, Drunk Cousin Megan just kicks back a cool Coors 16 ouncer and crushes the empty, but I think the penis straw captivated her attention. Drunk Cousin Megan is one of the hardest partiers in my family, and no amount of booze will deter her from meeting her full party potential. Here, she optimizes her performance by streamlining her booze. Inside the penis straw was a froth-filtering device designed to sift through foamy bubbles (which only serve as deterrents to alcohol consumption).
The Pistol Grip Pump is aghast at the Get 'Cha Some Ferry's behavior. Below, she turns a blind eye away from her antics.
Suddenly, the Petal Stool decided to storm the stage; she had a musical request. Of all the songs on the planet, what do you think she chose as her anthem--the last song she would take to the stage and sing before marital bliss? Canon D, you say? No chance! Predictably, The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Below, Drunk Cousin Megan raises her Bud Light aloft while Scornful Val turns her frown upside down...
The Petal Stool is demonstrating a dance move called the Mic Jagger Strut. Invented by Mic Jagger in the 1960s, the earliest known photographic documentation of this move depicts Mic on the stage of the Marquee Club in London. The year was 1963, and Mic created the strut impromptu as a distraction from the fact that Keef was so loaded he had to be propped up by an amp to perform. Take a walk down memory lane, as the Petal Stool reproduces this move with the skill of Marcel Marso. 
I'm not sure who took the lead vocals on this one, but I think Scornful Val played the air fiddle solo.
I hope they turned that mic off, Petal Stool...
The below dance move is known as the Lincoln Park Trixie Swerve, a move popularized by Chicago's finest. Although there are many plastic penises in hand, it should be noted that an authentic Lincoln Park Trixie Strut would require that an actual penis be incorporated. Typically, this dance move inspires Trixies to make out with one another on the dance floor. Wait for it...scroll down...
Ah-ha! There it is! Look at the Get 'Cha Some Ferry and Drunk Cousin Megan getting their Lincoln Park Trixie Swerve / Make-Out Embrace on. The Petal Stool is doing the Turntable Scratch, also known as Last Night a D.J. Saved My Life. The Petal Stool's rendition--which involves a penis straw and plastic party cup--is a never before seen, interesting permutation.
No, Petal Stool, back away from the mic. It is not a plastic penis...
Scornful Val, the same applies to you!
As the Get 'Cha Some Ferry's drawers slide off of her bony ass, she sends a wink and a nod out to that special someone in the crowd. Note how she points with her pinky finger. She is a nightclub impressario to rival Paris Hilton.
At last, the grand finale. As Scornful Val croons, the Petal Stool demonstrates a dance move known as Crack the Whip. So complicated is this move that in order to perform it, you need a second party (in this case the Get 'Cha Some Ferry) to serve as a supportive anchor base. If you do not heed this precaution you might actually snap your arm with such force that it detaches from your shoulder and goes flying into the audience. In prior instances when this situation has occurred, injuries tend to be abundant, and law suits inevitably ensue. No one walks away a winner under these circumstances. However, the Petal Stool is a professional whip cracker, so she is capable of maneuvering a Crack the Whip with relative ease.
As you can see, all of that amazing song and dance really pushed the Petal Stool over the edge. At this point, she needed revived. Somebody! Bring this girl a refreshing gin and tonic! 
As Petal Stool teeters on the edge of her seat, Pistol Grip Pump appears thoroughly amused. She is famous for her contagious laughter, and spared no energy finding humor in the fact that the Petal Stool was absolutely pickled.
This picture deserves no commentary...it writes itself.
Congratulations, Petal Stool, on an eventful evening of bachelorette party fun! Let's hope your new husband's penis is bigger than the gerkin you are waving around below! Feel free to defend his manly honor by posting a full report on size and girth in the comment box. 
Note: A special thanks to the unparalleled Mayor of Moneytown for using her contacts at the Superficial and its west coast cousin, Defamer, in order to provide several high quality links to unflattering pics of celebrities. I especially hope you enjoyed the Prince Harry groping link while viewing this post. Thanks, Mayor! You're a gem--a real cubic zirconia, to be exact!
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