Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dirty Thirties

Happy Birthday to the Proud Peacock! A bit of trivia for all of you Peacock fans; she is well into her dirty thirties! Okay. Maybe not "well" into her dirty thirties, but still just as dirty. Over one third of her life expectancy has expired. That might sound depressing, but the World Health Organization (WHO) says that if the Peacock would have been born an average baby in sub-Sahara Africa, she would be old enough to pack up and ship off to the Smithsonian! Her life expectancy would have been entirely different. The WHO says that the ten countries with the lowest life expectancy are "...in sub-Saharan Africa, where the HIV-AIDS epidemic is rampant. In ascending order beginning with 191 (countries), those countries were Sierra Leona, 25.9 years of healthy life for babies born in 1999; Niger, 29.1 (years); Malawi, 29.4 (years); Zambia, 30.3 (years); Botswana, 32.3 (years); Uganda, 32.7 (years); Rwanda, 32.8 (years); Zimbabwe, 32.9 (years); Mali, 33.1 (years); and Ethiopia, 33.5 (years)."





The WHO added:

The overall life expectancy in sub-Saharan Africa has dropped precipitously over the past 10 years, mostly because of the AIDS epidemic...Life expectancy dropped for female babies from 51.1 years to 46.3 years. For males, the level dropped from 47.3 years to 44.8 years.

AIDS is now the leading cause of death in Sub-Saharan Africa, far surpassing the traditional deadly diseases of malaria, tuberculosis, pneumonia and diarrheal disease. AIDS killed 2.2 million Africans in 1999, versus 300,000 AIDS deaths 10 years previously.

"Healthy life expectancy in some African countries is dropping back to levels we haven’t seen in advanced countries since Medieval times," says Alan Lopez, Coordinator of WHO’s Epidemiology and Burden of Disease Team...

Life expectancy in several countries in southern Africa has been cut 15-20 years off what the WHO would expect it to be in Africa without HIV. Other African countries have lost 5-10 years of life expectancy because of HIV.




After those sobering facts, let's return to Chicago. Who wants to worry about sub-Saharan Africa? Fuck that shit; let them eat cake--we did for the Peacock's birthday!

Along with cake, we also enjoyed several tasty margaritas at La Taberna Tapatia (3358 N. Ashland). Better still, ZAP! promised a rendezvous with the amazing Dr. Kalzo Md if the Peacock was on good behavior. Unfortunately, Dr. Kalzo Md. was on house arrest; otherwise, he too would have been present to participate in the libations. The Peacock was especially excited to unfurl her feathers and show off her hip new haircut. What would the Peacock do without Morgan at Vidal Sassoon to keep her hair in check?








Life in your thirties is nothing. Some animals and plants outlive humans. Bowhead whales are thought to live up to 100 years. Some turtles live up to 150 years. Some trees have outlived human history--the baobab tree can live for 1,000-4,000 years. Olive trees live just as long.

Next year the Peacock will be thirty-three. That's a great number, Peacock! Did you know that in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar the conspirators stabbed Caesar thirty-three times?! Et tu, Brute? Also, Wallace Stevens' poem, "The Man with the Blue Guitar," is in thirty-three sections. Dante's Divine Comedy is in three parts, each consisting of thirty-three cantos. In Hesse's Demien an eagle appears at a subway exit on "33rd."





The area where the Tigris and Euphrates rivers come closest together -- allegedly the place of the earliest human civilization -- basically lies at the 33°30'N latitude, in what is now modern Iraq. The ancient pre-India city, Harappa, once lay along this latitude, as well as did Babylon. Baghdad, Iraq is at 33°33'N latitude. Aleister Crowley was a 33rd Degree Mason. The Vatican recognizes "33 Doctors of the Church." Pope John Paul II proclaimed St. Theresa of Lisieux Doctor of the Church; she became the 33rd person, and the third woman, given this title. Jesus is believed to have been either 30 or 33 years old when he died.







The lowest temperature at which water may remain in liquid form is thirty-three degrees F. The Animal Kingdom is divided into thirty-three phyla. The raven produces thirty-three distinct sounds. The year 2001 marked the 33rd anniversary of the movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). One of Jackson Pollock's paintings is entitled, Number 33, 1949. Queen Elizabeth's first Corgi dog was given to her in 1933. Marilyn Monroe's body was held in crypt thirty-three at the morgue when she died.







Obvioulsy, the dirty thirties are a good time to be alive! You know what they say, "Thirties are the new twenties."






Above, ZAP! is telling me to put my camera away, because it's irritating when you're trying to hang out and some asshole is snapping photos for a blog. Since I didn't put it away, you will notice that they both ignored me (see below), which only makes for better pictures...





Below, the Peacock casts a sly glance. This look is generally reserved for Reggie, that Little French Son of a Bitch, but he is no Pete O'Brien. Here are some reasons explaining why Reggie is no Pete O'Brien:

1. Despite the fact that he is French and has been immortalized in fine art, calendars, and souvenir mugs, Reggie still can't get a girlfriend--not even a pug will date him. Consequently, he remains a lily livered patsy who won't even lift his leg for a fire hydrant. In contrast, Pete O'Brien is a dapper stallion who wears a bow tie and a Rolex when courting the lovely ladies.

2. Celebrities attended Pete O'Brien's last birthday party en mass, and John Waters popped out of a cake in drag singing "Happy Birthday" while Flea played slap bass. Even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern attended. Party games included a treat bake-off. That evening proved to be a rare and magical moment indeed; Kate Moss stayed sober as a present to Pete, and Beyonce didn't wear fur. Liz Taylor was spotted making out with Liza Minelli, and Michael Jackson flew his entire petting zoo in from Neverland Ranch just for Pete's pleasure. (Pete is especially fond of lemurs and meerkats.)

3. Pete O'Brien did the voice-overs for the character of Satan's Little Helper in The Simpsons. Many of you will remember Satan's Little Helper as Bart's pet dog introduced in "Simpson's Roasting on an Open Fire."






Below is a better view of La Taberna Tapatia...




And here...

The Escape Goat would have enjoyed the ambiance, lighting, cranked out waitress, and colors on the wall--all provided excellent photo ops--but the food and margaritas were enough to throw the Mayor of Moneytown into a detox. If you go to the Music Box, it might be worth a visit...





ZAP! strategically positioned herself under an interesting chandelier incase Dr. Kalzo showed up. He is fond of chandeliers.






Better dead than red...



Eventually, we decided to leave La Taberna Tapatia and go to ZAPS!. The Proud Peacock polished off another cup of water and ZAP! put her glasses on as a sign of departure.




Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.



Finally, back at ZAPS!, we sat around and waited for Dr. Kalzo Md. to make a cameo. ZAP! told us that Dr. Kalzo was on a diet, so I didn't know what to expect. He was busy remixing some George Clinton tunes, and we were afraid to interrupt the artist at work.



By now the Peacock had enjoyed one too many Corona's, and was shamelessly moving in on my Fat Tire. Such is the nature of birthday fame. When you feel your birthday fame you think you have license to assume the whole world is your gift (including a random Fat Tire). Fortunately, I was able to hide it before the Peacock could finish it off.



In her drunken state, the Peacock began to clamor for Dr. Kalzo Md. After all, you can't house a cat whose celebrity hinges on his ability to channel the Notorious B.I.G. and keep him hidden away mixing the P-Funk in his studio all day without some repercussions.



Finally, Dr. Kalzo Md. arrives! Hey Dr. Kalzo, you've lost weight--just in time for the bathing suit season--now you're only as big as a pony keg. As evidenced by Dr. Kalzo's startled expression, he's not used to the world outside of his apartment. He usually has his entourage in tow for such occasions, but this evening the night air was fine so he gave them the day off.





Happy Birthday, Peacock! By now you should be reading H.D. with a bottle of wine by your side.

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