A Successful Evening with the Enlightened Supreme Master Ching Hai

This week the Mayor and I wanted to take the Escape Goat out for an exciting birthday celebration. Predictably, the Escape Goat is a vegetarian. We decided to grab a bite to eat at Alice and Friends (a fabulous vegetarian restaurant in Edgewater on Broadway). Since the occasion called for a drama-free evening, the Mayor was forced to leave Lil' Homey chained to a dank, moss-covered basement wall in a mound of moldy straw. She shouted, "Poor Bibi!!" as she scurried off. Despite his protestations and threats to spontaneously combust, Lil' Homey remained locked in the basement for the remainder of the evening. The Mayor was off to present the Escape Goat a bounty of birthday treasures. Below you will observe the Mayor clutching a tight bundle. Although the Mayor is the portrait of absolute confidence in this photo, it must be noted that her reputation as an eccentric gift-giver precedes her. Don't be fooled by her innocent expression. A ruse!





As evidenced in the below photos, the Mayor has indeed produced several choice prizes that cannot go unmentioned. Take note of the wonderful, glittering crash helmut I was given for Christmas. It comes in handy to this day! On numerous occasions I have donned it for meteor showers, acid rains, sword fights with my arch nemesis--the Crafty Weasel--and spitball fights. I couldn't have asked for a better prize, but why was the moniker "Al," engraved on the back? Who was this mysterious "Al"? Why, when I donned my glorious sparkling helmut, did I notice the unmistakable odor of 1975 in all of it's splendor? Instead of turning invisible--like Perseus--I was showered with toxic asbestos from the inside padding.




As you can see, I have arranged for the photos above and below to contain a REAL "Al" modeling my "Al" helmut. This Al likes the Dave Chapell Show and screaming, "Where my bitches at?" in his best Rick James, "Superfreak" voice. (Only after a few drinks, of course.) But, wait, that's not all...




What did the Mayor give the Escape Goat for Christmas? An intriguing family portrait of...the Partridge family understudies? Below, the Escape Goat peers eerily out from behind the mysterious family portrait. As you can see, the portrait serves doubly as a shield for fending off Medusa and potential samurai attacks, or cutting up lines of cocaine in the event of an unexpected visit from Whitney Houston.




Considering the unique arsenal of gifts the Mayor has relied upon in the past, it goes without saying that the underlying question of the evening was, "What prize would that proud peacock retrieve from her bag of tricks?" To prepare, we started out with a drink at Moody's. One pitcher later a somber cloud settled as we paused to contemplate the inevitable: Would it be an ashtray fashioned from one of Imelda Marcos's left shoes? Would it be a collection of ninja throwing stars? A seatless unicycle? Only time would tell...




The rumors are--of course--true that I am a superior gift-giver. So, the Escape Goat was not surprised to find her hands on the amazing graphic novel, The Language Change, by the brilliant artist and writer, Kevin Hooyman. I highly recommend this graphic novel, and so does the Escape Goat. The cover is great, and the magic doesn't stop there!



Knowing what lie ahead, the Escape Goat nervously marveled at The Language Change, while simultaneously preparing herself for the moment of anticipation. The Mayor's time had come. Brimming with excitement, the Mayor started out with a card she masterfully fashioned in her private art studio. It was truly an impressive feat of design, and a hush fell on the crowd as the Escape Goat unfolded the complex piece of origami disguised as a birthday card. Fortunately, the Mayor was present to navigate her through the many-layered wonder. At this point, I knew I had been bested, this unexpected prize could not be rivaled! Nothing hand-made can be rivaled! The Mayor stopped at nothing to produce an ace in the hole. She may have won the battle, but not the war! Did she stop there? NEVER! That was only the beginning...




Her victory lap came in the form of a tasteful musical compilation, "Ronald Reagan Recommends." The Gipper never looked so good as he does on this aesthetically pleasing record cover. Too bad you can't buy this classic on Amazon; you'll have to resort to scouring EBay (inbetween bidding for a spare kidney and those John Deere bedsheets you've always wanted). Obviously, the Hand of Fate is a queer flippant wrist, for who would have guessed that when The Gipper made these "recommends" he'd one day be president. As the Escape Goat held up the record for a photo-op with the paparazzi, the Mayor couldn't resist muttering with a mixture of satisfaction, pride, and good old fashioned Capitalist admiration, "Reagan. He broke the IRS. Broke 'em." (Indeed? Obviously, she has not seen my catastrophic tax return.)




Below, the Mayor shows off her masterpiece.





What a great way to wrap up our delicious dinner at Alice and Friends vegetarian restaurant! As we left, we paused by the golden calf to burn incense and pay our respects to the Supreme Master Ching Hai. If you have ever been to Alice's, you know all about the Supreme Master Ching Hai. For you unfortunate wretcheds who have never enjoyed the pleasure of their delicious cuisine, you may not have experienced the privledge of a lecture from the Supreme Master Ching Hai? The first two times I went to Alice's, I rapidly noticed an interesting pattern; the only thing they ever showed on the television was a video recording of the Supreme Master Ching Hai. This made me feel like a music video extra for "Hotel California." If you are as intrigued by the Supreme Master as I was, go to her site. NO! You're not on acid, you're on god's direct contact!




I find the enlightened Supreme Master super duper fly! Maybe she's not for everyone. But if you find that she chaps you, just pry that dick out of your ass! If you happen to be in Cape Town, South Africa this month--check her out live and in person!